Rage Bait and Exploiting Victims

By Vanessa Cloke

It's been a long while since watching content related to narcissistic abuse. For one, I am on the other side of my recovery, so the need to consume information on the subject no longer tugs at me.

More significantly—and perhaps part of the reason I made it to the other side—I realized a couple of years ago that much of the narcissistic abuse coaching community relied on keeping me angry in order to generate clicks and, ultimately, profit.

They did this by keeping content anchored in the concept that narcissists are evil. These so-called experts were keeping victims stuck in the healing process by purposely and continuously pouring salt onto already gaping wounds.

The one that finally made me turn away from the narc abuse content was a post which showed a tombstone, and a text overlay that read: "The only way a narcissist will rehabilitate."

These types of posts give victims permission to remain enraged rather than to explore the deeper meaning of their experience and the parts of themselves waiting to be discovered.

Not only was this type of content exploiting the pain of victims and perpetuating their suffering, but it was clearly illustrating to me that these coaches themselves were not actually healed. In fact, they were far from it, and they were using their platform as a way to have the loudest and last word with their narcissist. A very "I'll show them" motive, in my opinion.

What they overlooked was this: while the narcissist’s behavior is not excusable, it often originates from coping mechanisms developed in response to their own childhood experience with a narcissistic parent.

Again, this does not excuse the narcissist’s behavior, but it does explain its roots. It gives a zoomed out view of the generational trauma/abuse cycle. Understanding both can help a victim see the behavior for what it was—survival. As horrific as their actions were, they often stem from deep, shame-rooted survival patterns, including the development of what some call 'the mask.' Their behavior is not specifically personal toward you. In fact, it operates no more consciously than a microwave heating your food.

This understanding should then formulate a shift within the empathic victim, because they can then put the focus onto their own recovery. I suppose another analogy could be cancer; when someone is diagnosed with cancer, they don’t sit around demanding the disease explain itself. They focus on treatment. They focus on healing.

And just as untreated cancer spreads, unprocessed anger and fixation can quietly expand within a victim’s life. The same must be true for the victim of narcissistic abuse. The goal is not to dissect the narcissist endlessly—it’s to reclaim your health.

What does this look like in a victim? It begins to mirror the very patterns they once endured—shame, rage, and unhealthy coping mechanisms designed to regain control: gaslighting, manipulation, triangulation, and more.

Narcissistic abuse is vampiric by nature; it survives on emotional supply, even long after the relationship ends.

Consuming the poison fed by unhealed "experts" and unhealed coaches is not helping you heal. It is not going to aid in your recovery. It will only keep you stuck and set you back. It will continue to rob you by selling you the belief that your anger is more important than your well-being. I don't know about you, but I’d say most narcissists would be delighted to know their former partner is still thinking about them and being affected by their actions—rent free supply.

What the narcissist would hate, though, is to hear that you are thriving, and that you are perhaps sharing your story with others from a place of humility which inspires others to heal. Not from a place of unresolved grief manifesting as anger spewing across social media.

Be mindful of the content you consume; it could very well be feeding you the very poison that led you to it in the first place.

Vanessa Cloke is a certified narcissistic abuse expert. To work with her, email truth@theescapedgoat.com